Most of you reading this already know that my husband works off shore. Short story is that we met in college and I knew then that this would be our life. I have never been "afraid" of it or "worried" or whatever you want to call it! It is what it is. We married in Jan of 2005 (still in school) had Tanner Dec 2005 and by the next Feb he had finished school and started working off shore, 28days on 28 off. Its just the life we have always had! I finished school with Tanner while he worked offshore! I look back and wonder, "How in the world did I do that?!?!" It was hard, and there were times I think I said, "Thats it, I am done." BUT 5 years later its safe to say I am a pretty strong gal because of it! I am pretty independent, I have to play Mommy and Daddy half the year so it makes you not so "girly" and you do things that Dads are "supposed" to do! I have thought about how single Moms handle things, my heart breaks for them. I only do it half the time, they are full on everything, all the time, to everyone! Praying for all single Moms out there! (Love you Steph!)
This time out he is going for 3months! 3MONTHS! YIKES! I really am having a hard time wrapping my head around it! I am calm (considering) at this point but I worry about the 6week mark! We have done 6weeks in the past and I know that it's my breaking point. I am trying to do things now to prepare myself for that time! Like writing in my blog! I am hoping that it's my way to vent or to share things that I am going through!! The good news is that at the end of the 3months we are hoping to have most of our debt paid off AND the BIGGEST news is that we are hoping for a job change! Its time. We are ready for it and our family is ready for it! Our marriage is ready for it! The change will be hard, mainly because of the pay cut but I know that God will provide for us! He always does.
I TRY to F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely on God). Sometimes that is hard to do! I think a lot of times we just lean on Him. We don't really tend to let Him carry us, so to speak. Its human nature to want to take control and not let it go. I think I am slightly fearful of this! I know at some point in the next 3months I will have to let go and let Him carry me through it! I like having control over the things I know I can control because there are too many things in this world we CANT control! The last few days I keep going back to the "Footprints" poem and funny enough someone brought it up in my Bible Study this morning! LOVE how God throws things at you like that! I will KEEP reminding myself that He wants to carry us and He wants us to want to be carried! So here I am Lord! TAKE ME, CARRY ME! :) No, really.
All that being said, I really do feel a shift in myself coming. The last few months I have trying to find ways to change! I know my weaknesses and thats the first step right? I like to think I am pretty honest with myself about it too! I wish I was more openly honest about it, so that I could be kept accountable for my actions when I failed. I need someone in my life to say, "You screwed up!" Sounds harsh but so true! I think we all need someone like that! That would be a true friend. I am hoping with this change I learn to stop trying to control things and to let God take over and "carry" us through all the changes in our house too!
One weakness that I will share is that I, all too often, blame having young kids on my lack of serving God! One of the most enjoyable things for me is to feed people. I have in the past served at soup kitchens, served breakfast to the poor and one of my MOST favorite moments in my ENTIRE LIFE was making sandwiches for people after Hurricane IKE and Tanner and I drove around passing them out to anyone and everyone we could find that would need them! We also made spaghetti and seriously had like a small kitchen of food out of my friends suburban and drove around serving it! Its just that "thing" God gave me! I think everyone has a "thing"! Mine is serving food! To me food doesn't just nourish your body it nourishes your soul! Its gave so many people after IKE that feeling of, "It's going to be all right"! Plus what an awesome way to start THAT conversation! T would say, "Do you need a sandwhich?" They would answer and as they would get what they wanted he would say, "Did you know God loves you?" Thats my Tan, he would preach to anyone that would listen! What an example of how a disciple should look! He teaches me something new everyday! Love that kid!
Here is Day 2 of B being gone! So far only a few minor "Ward" moments! My prayers are for me to let go, for my children and I to be safe and safety for all Brandon's crazy travels! I miss him already.
